i couldn't sleep the whole night. i've been bad again, it seems. Showing a grumpy face to the world. Read this: how about a very tired person who has things they need to get done who cannot even comprehend what you are asking of them, and also has their mind on other more pending priority that you have thrown on them?

i realised that i have not smiled very often lately. But, what is there to smile and be happy about? Someone who wants and takes and takes and takes beyond your capacity to give, until you are at breaking point. It has happened before. It will happen again.

Sure you get paid for it - but to do the job of more than one person but on the salary of one. It's not even about the money. One person can only do the tasks of one person, we do not need to be a rocket scientist or a financial wizard to know that! Don't try dangling overseas trips and whatnot in people's faces, putting your desires as other people's when they only want to finish their work on hand. Sure, looking ahead is very important, but at this point i cannot judge the distance it will take me to reach the nearest destination.

How can i just say without even thinking (knowing behind my back, this person always undermines everybody's abilities because she is very capable), yes i will do it, yes our team will do it (when they are so stressed), yes as you wish?

Can i even expose my team's weaknesses to more erosion without even considering that i cannot cover for them?

'Give them time', she said. Which was what i am doing, then i realised that this person lives in hyperdrive - expecting the time to take to do things better will improve in a mere two weeks.

i don't expect that the world can evolve and change in such a short period of time. Because i spent an entire morning trying to prove and demonstrate that books can be displayed nicely and create more space. Because i remember that sales targets were increased in accordance to space. Because these targets won't be cut regardless of a subtraction of space. Because we can ill afford to lose that space. Because it is an unfair division of tasks. Because other other people need time to get use to their new tasks and responsibilities. Because i have new tasks and responsibilities, too.

And because we cannot take on everything by ourselves and not seem to the rest of world as authoritative, unpleasant, bossy, selfish and greedy. When in actual fact, i don't even want any part of it, i prefer the less stressful job of being nice to my books and the people who read them.

i'm grim, because prospects are bleak. Here i am hoping to fill up some part of my huge six feet deep hole, albeit doing it bit by bit AND not with myself lying in it. If other people can say no, why must i feel pushed to say yes, knowing full well, that yes means that i will somehow take the fall if we are not up to standard?

i'm not a human being. Bosses are not human beings, either. They are homo superior, i forget. So i should wake up everyday and slap myself to remember that i must be a smiling robot at work, one that is attuned to say yes, most pleasantly. If not, i will be grim, grumpy and stupid.

Remind me, please that: I am smiling, nice and stupid. (the stupid is so i can still remain smiling and clueless) I guess this is my resolution. That and my hubby says, think Korea.