i've been very sad, lately. which is strange because i guess the reason must be the fact that i've been passed up for a promotion. Yet, i was praying that it wouldn't happen 'cos i knew deep in that i'm just not cut up to do this work required at the higher level. In fact, it's really not like that song, Cry Sour Grape (L'a Cryma Christi). For the past two months, i'd be standing at the briefing session or at meetings, and then feel like my blood running cold as i tried (operative word) to imagine (another operative word) myself at the front.

i'm not so-called managerial material, too friendly and close with staff; and quite fun-loving and out-spoken. (sigh) i haven't really progressed from where i was when i first joined this place. Well, not in this aspect. i've become more open to people and gained some confidence with meeting different walks of life. i remember looking aghast at my friend who accosted the person next to her to ask about the book that person was reading, and then practically ask about her life history. That confidence, brashness - i so admire. (Plus, i've learned so much of different types of books which is totally my knowledge alone and cannot be given to anybody.)

i'll come out and say it's so true i'm not cut out for this kind of glory. And they made the right decision. so, i guess i'm sorta sad because i feel cheated of a chance to actually look higher and make more bucks. (not that it's much more) But i think it stems from the fact that i've alway felt people don't really appreciate for what i do. Of course, book buyer for lifestyle and children - forgodsakes - any idiot can do that! If you say it needs creativity, insight and vision to make a different and unique section which sits tightly between trends and actual living, you can almost see the laughter behind the eyes of your listener. (if they are paying attention, that is)

i remember an ex-colleague making a comment that goes something like this: 'You're lucky 'cos people would just buying any ol' thing at the Children section. ' (which in plain terms mean it's so easy to buy for that section)

Then this other comment i heard reported to me, made by one of the higher level staff which went like,'Why don't you buy for children (books sic.)? You're a mother, you should know even better.'(note: both are mothers) That was the most deja vu moment i ever had, i nearly threw up!!! The place which i used to work, this lady boss who was, forsooth, a qualified librarian sent a few of the older ladies who had never bought books before to bookstores to buy because she said - the mothers should know better. Now, i've nothing against mothers, my own beloved set me on the path of reading, but for a qualified, professional to say that - it was like she was dumping down her entire profession. So i suppose higher level staff are also allowed their deriding opinions. (She might even offer to buy the children's books, too. How fun.)

Let it be known that a lot of men have written for children, even single, unmarried people regardless of gender AND gay people whom it would be impossible to be a 'biological' parent.

still, i too hold the opinion that any dumbhead (read ME) can order children's books as long as your heart is in the right place, your head firmly in the clouds and your feet tapping to music on the ground. The children's buyer like all buyers should love books and add to that - never forget the joy it brings to the little people, whatever else is plainly secondary.

i told m-chan i was afraid i would quit. But why would i?

i'm telling the world now, i'm afraid i might be bereft without books in my life. i think i'm too obviously transparent in this aspect, so nobody takes bets on the odds that i would even consider leaving. i'm sorta purple and bitter about it. No dignity, no respect, no integrity - they can be non-existent as long as you are well compensated, that's the opinion i held when i left the former workplace. You can be as ungrateful as you can be as long as the poor wretches are being paid for their services. And they did - wonderful staff benefits, and even had a nice gratuity when i left.

i wonder if the year-end bonus will cover all my anguish for the whole year. At the very least, let me hold my head up high for all the effort i put in 24-7-365. (i so want to go to Korea with Jay).
dangyunhaji /(>#<)\