As i type, the Korean drama 'Love in the Vineyard' is playing. (DVD) In fact, it has been my habit to either play a CD or any drama when i'm awake at times like this. Adds a little bit of life to the dead of the night.

okok, not trying to be romantic. Being the otaku that i am, something is always playing in the background.

Well, i've been spending X'mas day with the family (a bit) and had an enjoyable hour or so - wrapping gifts. yes, i love doing that. It's fun and i think it makes gift-giving and gift-receiving much more personal. (but i digress) Anyway, i wanted to borrow a drama called Love in the Aegean Sea from my mom, and ended up coming away with it! Madam Mother is giving away stuff because she's inspired by her friend. That's nice, thanks Mom! So here i am with another set of VCDs, which although i appreciate the gesture and i want to watch the drama, is totally against my new 'collection' policy of ... DVDs only from now on.

Why so? i'm bitter over the fact that i have huge boxed sets of The Gift (Sung-mool) and All About Eve and a whole bunch of other stuff in VCD. The colours are starting to fade; the sound is going AND there are no English subs! There is even this tiny idea, pushing its way to the front, convincing me to give some of my favourites away (read: Sung-mool and AAE) and replace them with DVDs. That way, they should keep for a longer stretch - although one never knows. Maybe i should wait.

And why is that, you dare ask? I would have loved to own the OST 'I have a Date with Spring' in CD, i'm telling you. And the humongous 6 CD collection of Lo-Dayou's best songs, one of Harlem Yu's earlier albums (forgot which), most of my Jacky Cheung collection, Eason's first album and some other indie albums. All this i happen to own - in cassettes. What use are three cartons of cassettes to one who does not own a cassette player? Was i to know that cassettes would now be practically obsolete? Talking of obsolete, i've been trying to replace my discman which a friend borrowed but has not returned (for around 3 years!) and discovered that there aren't any being sold in the shops. (okay, maybe if i really hunt for it i will find one but right now i need to do some shopping around if any) Does this mean that CD players are going the way of cassette players? Ha? Oh dear, i would still want to own a CD player even if i rip music into my mp3 because eventhough mp3s may be handy and can carry entire albums, i would still buy CDs that produce clearer, louder and sharper sound. (not forgetting how much i love owning a nicely made album with lyrics and all that)

Sure, you can download them - lyrics, photos and music. You may even pay for them. I'd rather you call me old-fashioned then, because my CD collection is growing. ;-p

On another level, e-books are bound to become the rage since it would be way-too-cool to carry entire libraries with you without breaking your back. i can imagine wanting to own one!

However, i'm not at all worried that i'll have to replace my entire collection of literature as i may have to with the music and moving pictures. Because, this technology that plays the paper book ain't gonna get obsolete so soon. Good old pencil and paper. Good old paperbacks, hardcovers and tradepaperbacks. Good old use your fingers to turn the page.

And if you need batteries - eat, sleep, love.

In Ken Hirai's Japanese version of the nursery rhyme Grandfather's Clock, the part where it is tick-tock in English, sounds like 'chiku, chiko'. ;-p

I think i should just revamp instead of quitting. Yes, what a turnabout. (less than half an hour leh!)

It's because i like the url i have right now. We'll sleep on it and make a decision before post no.100.

Night-night, owls.

As i start, it's five minutes to 12, on Christmas Eve (Malaysian time), and 5 months and 24 days since i last posted anything. I have forgotten how long since i've been on facebook.

I have not fallen off the face of the earth, although some months, weeks, days ago - i felt like it in spots. i've let people and things and people and things get to me. perhaps you can also say that i'm not clued in and ready to do so many of the things i have had to take on, and had wanted to try. i lacked patience, experience, skill and an entire list of other things.

i do have temper and anger and unfortunately, intuition. Many a time, i could feel that something was wrong but had no means to fix it.

Nowadays my secret mantra (which i use to speak out loud a lot in the past, now less since it sounds negative to others. albeit when i accidentally let it slip in frustration) is 'why do i care. why is this my business as well?'. Actually the full mantra is 'why do i care? why is this my problem, too? should this be my business? it will only make things more complicated and i have ten thousand things on hand, clamouring for attention from people who mean more to me than this issue. oh, why, oh, why am i so busybody to want to help? to want to bother other people who don't want my help? hey, in fact i may not be equipped to help. so keep saying the mantra to remind yourself to mind your own business.'

There. Feels a wee bit better.

I just looked up the number of posts made since i started this blog - 94, making this effectively 95. I've always envied other people's nice blogs with a look of their own. Love Daphne's a lot.

Basically dots are getting to me. I mean i try never to wear polka dots to avoid looking clown-like, so why the heck did i choose this template? 'Cos the rest were either too staid or too odd. Maybe i should migrate ... if that is the word for it. Plus, all the music doesn't work anymore.

sigh ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shall i stop at hundred? i may be too lazy. but i won't stop completely because i enjoy an occasional write/rant like that. Just to prove i haven't lost me barely essential skills of writing, whatever that means.

Stop for a while. Too sleepy. As i click- 'publish post' - the time is 19 minutes past 12.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, FOLKS!

Here i go again. Went back and looked at my earlier blogs, one which i noted how important a story should flower, so that we can truly enjoy it.

So is Aw's a blossom? in a way, i think. Not a hothouse variety, i think. Nor the type which i really love, with light fragrances like a salad rose. Could be an orchid, i don't care for those, much.

The other day, a sort of discussion cropped up about the importance of Map of Invisible World and Tash Aw. Does it have a Malaysian voice? As for me, what is a Malaysian voice, first? Hmmm..., do you need to comment about social or political issues? Add in Malay words? Set it in Malaysia? Be Malaysian (this one probably)? This, somehow got a little too deep for me, being not used to this sort of literary discussions. However, the thought still remains in a certain conscious part of my mind.

Yesterday, one single word hit me. Relevance. Perhaps, being a Malaysian voice, means the story does speak to the Malaysian reader, in a different level and some issues are relevant to us in a personal and local way, but presented in a roundabout way. Relevant because somehow we feel that we can relate. Also, because we can relate, it is contemporary. Okokokok. My lack of experience and practice in discussing such things are very obvious. Hah! This would never have come about, though if not for that damned book.

So still, i persevere. On page 187 now.

SONG FOR A MOOD
Who is this/Jea-si-sui - Kelly Chan. Bought the cassette when i was in the crazy about Pal phase. I'm still crazy a bit about his songs. Took too long deciding if i should get the CD and only recently found some brains to look for it at the Sunday flea mart. Kelly Chan has never been one of my favourites, although she has some songs which i lurve. (Am still looking for the soundtrack to that first movie of hers) I think Pal did true justice to her voice, she does not sound as 'tested' as the ones Mark Lui wrote for her.

Daph asked me a tough question the other day. Would i recommend Tash Aw's Map of the Invisible World? Hmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm ~

My answer ... i would not, to her. And why?

First of all, i wasn't exactly keen to read it. The premise did not actually capture my fancy. But it was an 'assignment' so i forced myself to read a bit while waiting to collect my new passport. (2 hours)

Somewhere, somehow, he got me. I'm still halfway through the book, taking my own sweet time. Honestly, i've found it increasingly hard to read books of such nature, heavy like a ton of bricks. And, his writing style was hard for me to get into. Dunno how to put a finger on it, it is hard la.

That doesn't mean i don't like it, though. Many years ago a certain AS recommended The Catcher in The Rye, which i didn't exactly like, but it stayed with me and it still lives in me and i still feel some of the ideas it brought about. Did i like it? It's not entertaining and fun. Yet, i care enough to be curious when a sequel is written. i cared enough to read Esme. i cared enough to reread it. And i cared enough to tell people about the love-hate experience it gave me - this book that makes me think about other things, and gives me new understanding and another point-of-view. Out of nowhere, reluctantly read.

Since i'm still halfway through the book, i remain doubtful if this will be a similar experience. Of course, i would be gauche to compare Aw to Salinger, which i'm not. Nor can he be put side by side with Pramoedya Ananta Toer. However, i may still experience the effects on a smaller scale. Questions pop up in my head, that i cannot answer and am shy to ask because i may sound stupid. But ... is Indonesia being used as a mirror and a juxtapose to Malaysia or opposite? Is the book, Aw's map of the invisible world? What really was it like to live through those years? How strange that it was a small chapter in our history books.

Second reason, doesn't entertain but stimulates the brain way too much.

Do i like it? Can only say later, when i'm done reading it. At this moment, i can only describe it as a powerful read, one which does not allow me to give up reading it. i want to know, not the outcome, but the process. Yup, it's that kind of book. SO, if you care for that - i would recommend it.

SONG FOR A MOOD
Ripples/Leen-yi - Chet Lam. Part of Once in the Lifetime soundtrack, a musical that featured some of the late Danny Chan's works. Ripples created by the appearance of someone. This is what the song means. Poetic and simple. This song represents much of Chan's works. The crystal clear voice and the contemporary feel. Thanks to Chet Lam, we can once again feel deep joy in these songs without the additional tang of sadness and nostalgia. Powerful in its own way, creating ripples like the book i am reading.

i don't know about you, but i think nothing truly begins or ends. Or if you want to put it another way, beginnings and endings overlap too much, to the point that you either hardly feel the entrance or the beginning because you are too busy trying to make whatever it is end.

the last time i updated this blog was in November. i checked.

and ever since, i have cried quarts and screamed in silence and whined into every available ear and died in shy embarrassment and fell into a million pieces every time i had to do something i dreaded. and for practically 6 months, i've been writing a mental blog (or block, whichever you think it is) in order to avoid having the show my unhappy little face to the world.

despite the fact that i keep telling myself and the rest of the world - let's move on for a lack of choice.
despite the fact that there are tiny points which i love about what i am doing now, okay a tad bigger than tiny.
despite the fact that i can give up if i truly want to and can no longer stand it - nothing is inevitable.

don't get me wrong. my current 'enlightenment' has nothing to do with sudden turn of events or perhaps a culmination of many. i have not suddenly made a decision that i have 'oh, taken care of everything'.

i actually realise now that someone never did manage to take care of everything. The magic was she made it seem to have been taken care of by her or simply vanishing by means of shielding and other sorcery. These magical means which i don't ever think i can be capable of. So we now come to the conclusion that i can't do magic nor am i gifted to even learn.

there are people who are only human. and today, starting from this sentence, i am happy to be human. Not magical, not super-human and certainly not a deity who will be a spiritual sifu - God forbid!

and my only power is to try and do things my way, plodding and transparent that it is. Yes, yes - being honest is going to be hell however, that is the only way i know of.

why? i don't want to have to wake up, say five years in the future, deep in the middle of the night and cannot fall asleep because i feel haunted by the maneurverings which actually did sit on my conscience inspite of my constant denials that i was right, and the other person was crap. No one is totally all crap even though their way was or the way they treated you were. They were only headed another direction.

i still want to be me again, and not anyone else's substitute, so there. Wish me luck, luck, luck. (ala Diana Wynne Jone's Deep Secret, in order to keep the Thorn Lady at bay)

SONG FOR A MOOD
Mi-goong/The Maze - Joanna Wang. Her voice is simply sublime, people! Sure they call her Nora Jones of Taiwan but i was never so taken by Jones as i am by Wang-ruolin. The original song is called Let's Start From Here. If you like Zai-zai, and watched the drama which he was a chef - this is the theme song. For now, it is mine.