i don't know about you, but i think nothing truly begins or ends. Or if you want to put it another way, beginnings and endings overlap too much, to the point that you either hardly feel the entrance or the beginning because you are too busy trying to make whatever it is end.
the last time i updated this blog was in November. i checked.
and ever since, i have cried quarts and screamed in silence and whined into every available ear and died in shy embarrassment and fell into a million pieces every time i had to do something i dreaded. and for practically 6 months, i've been writing a mental blog (or block, whichever you think it is) in order to avoid having the show my unhappy little face to the world.
despite the fact that i keep telling myself and the rest of the world - let's move on for a lack of choice.
despite the fact that there are tiny points which i love about what i am doing now, okay a tad bigger than tiny.
despite the fact that i can give up if i truly want to and can no longer stand it - nothing is inevitable.
don't get me wrong. my current 'enlightenment' has nothing to do with sudden turn of events or perhaps a culmination of many. i have not suddenly made a decision that i have 'oh, taken care of everything'.
i actually realise now that someone never did manage to take care of everything. The magic was she made it seem to have been taken care of by her or simply vanishing by means of shielding and other sorcery. These magical means which i don't ever think i can be capable of. So we now come to the conclusion that i can't do magic nor am i gifted to even learn.
there are people who are only human. and today, starting from this sentence, i am happy to be human. Not magical, not super-human and certainly not a deity who will be a spiritual sifu - God forbid!
and my only power is to try and do things my way, plodding and transparent that it is. Yes, yes - being honest is going to be hell however, that is the only way i know of.
why? i don't want to have to wake up, say five years in the future, deep in the middle of the night and cannot fall asleep because i feel haunted by the maneurverings which actually did sit on my conscience inspite of my constant denials that i was right, and the other person was crap. No one is totally all crap even though their way was or the way they treated you were. They were only headed another direction.
i still want to be me again, and not anyone else's substitute, so there. Wish me luck, luck, luck. (ala Diana Wynne Jone's Deep Secret, in order to keep the Thorn Lady at bay)
SONG FOR A MOOD
Mi-goong/The Maze - Joanna Wang. Her voice is simply sublime, people! Sure they call her Nora Jones of Taiwan but i was never so taken by Jones as i am by Wang-ruolin. The original song is called Let's Start From Here. If you like Zai-zai, and watched the drama which he was a chef - this is the theme song. For now, it is mine.
the last time i updated this blog was in November. i checked.
and ever since, i have cried quarts and screamed in silence and whined into every available ear and died in shy embarrassment and fell into a million pieces every time i had to do something i dreaded. and for practically 6 months, i've been writing a mental blog (or block, whichever you think it is) in order to avoid having the show my unhappy little face to the world.
despite the fact that i keep telling myself and the rest of the world - let's move on for a lack of choice.
despite the fact that there are tiny points which i love about what i am doing now, okay a tad bigger than tiny.
despite the fact that i can give up if i truly want to and can no longer stand it - nothing is inevitable.
don't get me wrong. my current 'enlightenment' has nothing to do with sudden turn of events or perhaps a culmination of many. i have not suddenly made a decision that i have 'oh, taken care of everything'.
i actually realise now that someone never did manage to take care of everything. The magic was she made it seem to have been taken care of by her or simply vanishing by means of shielding and other sorcery. These magical means which i don't ever think i can be capable of. So we now come to the conclusion that i can't do magic nor am i gifted to even learn.
there are people who are only human. and today, starting from this sentence, i am happy to be human. Not magical, not super-human and certainly not a deity who will be a spiritual sifu - God forbid!
and my only power is to try and do things my way, plodding and transparent that it is. Yes, yes - being honest is going to be hell however, that is the only way i know of.
why? i don't want to have to wake up, say five years in the future, deep in the middle of the night and cannot fall asleep because i feel haunted by the maneurverings which actually did sit on my conscience inspite of my constant denials that i was right, and the other person was crap. No one is totally all crap even though their way was or the way they treated you were. They were only headed another direction.
i still want to be me again, and not anyone else's substitute, so there. Wish me luck, luck, luck. (ala Diana Wynne Jone's Deep Secret, in order to keep the Thorn Lady at bay)
SONG FOR A MOOD
Mi-goong/The Maze - Joanna Wang. Her voice is simply sublime, people! Sure they call her Nora Jones of Taiwan but i was never so taken by Jones as i am by Wang-ruolin. The original song is called Let's Start From Here. If you like Zai-zai, and watched the drama which he was a chef - this is the theme song. For now, it is mine.
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