Here i go again. Went back and looked at my earlier blogs, one which i noted how important a story should flower, so that we can truly enjoy it.

So is Aw's a blossom? in a way, i think. Not a hothouse variety, i think. Nor the type which i really love, with light fragrances like a salad rose. Could be an orchid, i don't care for those, much.

The other day, a sort of discussion cropped up about the importance of Map of Invisible World and Tash Aw. Does it have a Malaysian voice? As for me, what is a Malaysian voice, first? Hmmm..., do you need to comment about social or political issues? Add in Malay words? Set it in Malaysia? Be Malaysian (this one probably)? This, somehow got a little too deep for me, being not used to this sort of literary discussions. However, the thought still remains in a certain conscious part of my mind.

Yesterday, one single word hit me. Relevance. Perhaps, being a Malaysian voice, means the story does speak to the Malaysian reader, in a different level and some issues are relevant to us in a personal and local way, but presented in a roundabout way. Relevant because somehow we feel that we can relate. Also, because we can relate, it is contemporary. Okokokok. My lack of experience and practice in discussing such things are very obvious. Hah! This would never have come about, though if not for that damned book.

So still, i persevere. On page 187 now.

SONG FOR A MOOD
Who is this/Jea-si-sui - Kelly Chan. Bought the cassette when i was in the crazy about Pal phase. I'm still crazy a bit about his songs. Took too long deciding if i should get the CD and only recently found some brains to look for it at the Sunday flea mart. Kelly Chan has never been one of my favourites, although she has some songs which i lurve. (Am still looking for the soundtrack to that first movie of hers) I think Pal did true justice to her voice, she does not sound as 'tested' as the ones Mark Lui wrote for her.

Daph asked me a tough question the other day. Would i recommend Tash Aw's Map of the Invisible World? Hmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm ~

My answer ... i would not, to her. And why?

First of all, i wasn't exactly keen to read it. The premise did not actually capture my fancy. But it was an 'assignment' so i forced myself to read a bit while waiting to collect my new passport. (2 hours)

Somewhere, somehow, he got me. I'm still halfway through the book, taking my own sweet time. Honestly, i've found it increasingly hard to read books of such nature, heavy like a ton of bricks. And, his writing style was hard for me to get into. Dunno how to put a finger on it, it is hard la.

That doesn't mean i don't like it, though. Many years ago a certain AS recommended The Catcher in The Rye, which i didn't exactly like, but it stayed with me and it still lives in me and i still feel some of the ideas it brought about. Did i like it? It's not entertaining and fun. Yet, i care enough to be curious when a sequel is written. i cared enough to read Esme. i cared enough to reread it. And i cared enough to tell people about the love-hate experience it gave me - this book that makes me think about other things, and gives me new understanding and another point-of-view. Out of nowhere, reluctantly read.

Since i'm still halfway through the book, i remain doubtful if this will be a similar experience. Of course, i would be gauche to compare Aw to Salinger, which i'm not. Nor can he be put side by side with Pramoedya Ananta Toer. However, i may still experience the effects on a smaller scale. Questions pop up in my head, that i cannot answer and am shy to ask because i may sound stupid. But ... is Indonesia being used as a mirror and a juxtapose to Malaysia or opposite? Is the book, Aw's map of the invisible world? What really was it like to live through those years? How strange that it was a small chapter in our history books.

Second reason, doesn't entertain but stimulates the brain way too much.

Do i like it? Can only say later, when i'm done reading it. At this moment, i can only describe it as a powerful read, one which does not allow me to give up reading it. i want to know, not the outcome, but the process. Yup, it's that kind of book. SO, if you care for that - i would recommend it.

SONG FOR A MOOD
Ripples/Leen-yi - Chet Lam. Part of Once in the Lifetime soundtrack, a musical that featured some of the late Danny Chan's works. Ripples created by the appearance of someone. This is what the song means. Poetic and simple. This song represents much of Chan's works. The crystal clear voice and the contemporary feel. Thanks to Chet Lam, we can once again feel deep joy in these songs without the additional tang of sadness and nostalgia. Powerful in its own way, creating ripples like the book i am reading.

i don't know about you, but i think nothing truly begins or ends. Or if you want to put it another way, beginnings and endings overlap too much, to the point that you either hardly feel the entrance or the beginning because you are too busy trying to make whatever it is end.

the last time i updated this blog was in November. i checked.

and ever since, i have cried quarts and screamed in silence and whined into every available ear and died in shy embarrassment and fell into a million pieces every time i had to do something i dreaded. and for practically 6 months, i've been writing a mental blog (or block, whichever you think it is) in order to avoid having the show my unhappy little face to the world.

despite the fact that i keep telling myself and the rest of the world - let's move on for a lack of choice.
despite the fact that there are tiny points which i love about what i am doing now, okay a tad bigger than tiny.
despite the fact that i can give up if i truly want to and can no longer stand it - nothing is inevitable.

don't get me wrong. my current 'enlightenment' has nothing to do with sudden turn of events or perhaps a culmination of many. i have not suddenly made a decision that i have 'oh, taken care of everything'.

i actually realise now that someone never did manage to take care of everything. The magic was she made it seem to have been taken care of by her or simply vanishing by means of shielding and other sorcery. These magical means which i don't ever think i can be capable of. So we now come to the conclusion that i can't do magic nor am i gifted to even learn.

there are people who are only human. and today, starting from this sentence, i am happy to be human. Not magical, not super-human and certainly not a deity who will be a spiritual sifu - God forbid!

and my only power is to try and do things my way, plodding and transparent that it is. Yes, yes - being honest is going to be hell however, that is the only way i know of.

why? i don't want to have to wake up, say five years in the future, deep in the middle of the night and cannot fall asleep because i feel haunted by the maneurverings which actually did sit on my conscience inspite of my constant denials that i was right, and the other person was crap. No one is totally all crap even though their way was or the way they treated you were. They were only headed another direction.

i still want to be me again, and not anyone else's substitute, so there. Wish me luck, luck, luck. (ala Diana Wynne Jone's Deep Secret, in order to keep the Thorn Lady at bay)

SONG FOR A MOOD
Mi-goong/The Maze - Joanna Wang. Her voice is simply sublime, people! Sure they call her Nora Jones of Taiwan but i was never so taken by Jones as i am by Wang-ruolin. The original song is called Let's Start From Here. If you like Zai-zai, and watched the drama which he was a chef - this is the theme song. For now, it is mine.