i'm sad.

Even though i'm always putting up a brave front, i always feel sad when people leave - whether they are colleagues who change jobs; friends who move to another country or ... events that change relationships. i'm afraid to be left behind or to to be left full-stop, because i think one of my parents did. Then again maybe we pushed him away. However, after all this time, i guess i have gotten somewhat numb over all this leaving.

Perhaps it may be that the first 'left-behind' made me strong enough to face any fare-wells. One of my colleagues gave me a nice thank you card, as an afterthought. But deep within, i wish her well because she is one of the hardest working people i know, and kindest because she is always trying to make sure you are not hurt. i call her Fung Ching2, like the character in the Bund.

Today, though marks another departure. One of the nicest, kindest girls i've ever met. She really is sweet ... but ... dear Ma-chan, can be quite the innocent lambkin. i promised you i won't judge you. In fact, i don't think i have the right to. For my heart-felt advise was that you can at the very least retain the freedom to where you want your life to lead - one of your idea of freedom or your idea of captivity. And my final piece is forever retain your freedom to choose friends, whom your heart appreciates. Other than that, despite feeling unhappy over not having enough courage to fight for the opportunity to live as you like, ... i believe that when it is most important to you, the utmost crucial thing, you will know to stand up for yourself, no matter what, hell to pay. Because you are not alone. i am sad, too.

SONG FOR A MOOD
Freedom - Masaharu Fukuyama. For obvious reasons, even though Ma-chan doesn't fancy loud brash rock. This is my song to you, a song to lend you energy and strength when in need.

noticed that i started quite a number of posts - just putting in a main idea but never followed through to write a full length post. This blog takes up some of my brain time, yet i find it helps me find my way. More, coming up!

i have stories to tell. Please wait outside.

i'm a liiiitttttlllllleee obsessed with chinese-stuff.

Mando-pop, canto-pop, taiwanese drama, chinese mags, manga in Chinese (so that i can learn to read the language) ;-p, cookery books and almanack-reading and ... chinese books, books, books. it's not a large collection of odds and ends books. i have a huge vcd and dvd collection AND a humongous CD collection. But i love finding nice chinese picture books and find it extremely satisfying that whenever i finish a full-length books.

i'm not happy i'm more like a banana, yet i'm glad i'm aware of it and continue on my journey of finding my roots.

Meantime, i stumbled upon these two books that are chinese nursery rhymes (the picture book has the shorter versions, while the booklet has the full song). The plus point which i find so ingenuous and touched by the publisher's attention to detail, is a CD which introduces and explains about chinese traditional musical instruments, the sound it makes, how it is played and each nursery rhyme is performed in full. (comments were that the music is SO traditional, 'chinky' - simply lovely, i'm not a big fan yet i embrace it because this is as it should be). Oh, and the booklet accompanying the CD has the complete lyrics, pencil drawings of the instruments and music score, what else can i ask for?

Brilliant, ya. Wait, the crunch is this - hardcover, plus CD and booklet at only less than RM30, the real reason i love those chinese books. Definitelywill keep an eye on this publisher.

SONG FOR A MOOD
Rain/Fireflies - sorry can't translate very well and give credit, only that these are respectively track one and track fifteen in the Granny's Bridge (Wai-buo qiao) CD. The dialogue is between a grandfather and his grandchild whom he takes to listen to a rehearsal of a chinese orchestra.

i was angry awhile ago
i was sad and frustrated with where i am now
i was dejected and demoralised,
afraid to be the instigator of unwelcome change
saturday is a day of clashes,
i may not have the guts
i don't want all this
i didn't ask for it
yes, this is a self-pitying lament
no big deal
can i leave the building now?

that was then, i'm now at a loss for words and
emotions
(whine)

SONG FOR A MOOD
Door/Men - Rene Liu. Where things begin, where things come to an end. From one of my all-time favourite albums, the Door is a song about departures. Or rather, the departure of a man from a child's life, a wife's life. I always feel sad but also a tiny part of my heart feels hard and numb, cold even. That is me sometimes.

If you like to read books, you've probably been called a bookworm.
But have you ever considered this - you may well be a supporter of the arts!
Well, lately there has been such a large proliferation of self-published books. First of all, i have nothing against writers who self publish. There are so many talented people out there who deserve the attention of the reading world, who has important and interesting ideas to share or have so much imagination and skill you know they deserve a try at getting published.
Then there' s the sad, sad condition of the big publishing houses that may or may not have sunk into semi-vanity publishing. If a publisher doesn't have a regular publishing schedule, nor do they actually have a plan, concept for their imprints, can you still call them a publishing house? No editors (real good ones who know how to direct and edit), no copy editors, no proper trained desktop or layout design people ... are you even a printer??!!
If you are such a publisher, then its also obvious that you do not have the know-how nor the right to tell anyone they aren't good enough to write a book. Therefore, little wonder that all those writers out there think that they are good, as good as the books being published by the big boys. They are all thinking - who are you to say i'm bad? And you know, i believe so sometimes.
And so when people self-publish, they also end up distributing their own books to bookstores - directly destroying two automatic filters, the editor/publisher and distributor/sales person. And so the person who decides what makes it to the shelves of a store is most likely the buyer, arrrghhh ...
You think that's fun? You think that's empowering or whatnot?
Let me tell you that book buyers are used to meeting professional people who sell books and know what is a well-made book. When you meet those larger than life senior citizens or the enthusiastic but naive young writer - should you say, not good enough? Everyone deserves a chance (provided they also consider that content is the most crucial decisionmaker), i do believe that even if the author is not yet a master but a promising apprentice, they should be given a tiny space on the shelf. For only by writing more and improving more, can the writer one day win a Nobel.
Still, it's quite bad for the publishing industry if this continues. Controls will be off and readers will be exposed to badly edited books, thinking that this is the way it should be written. Buyers end up having to truly scrutinize the writing of a book, without the aid of an editor who would have help prune and fine tune the contents and advise of suitability etc. Apart from selecting the book based on other merits, the buyer will also need to worry about the reliability of the research and the evil thing called plagiarism. Of course, we still do right now. But its just becomes more prominent.
On the bright side though, if books are the literary arts, then the book buyer and the book worm will slowly transform into an Art patron. (The art patron is the powerful and rich people who appreciate and support artists. Their support come in many forms and they are usually art collectors as well). With this statement - replace artists with writers and art collectors with book hoarders) There, i think that may just be me. Et tu, Brute?

SONG FOR A MOOD
In Nostalgia/Huenying Jiu Mung - Guo-Zi/Chyi Chin Ok. Why is the link not on the title? There are two versions of this song, both which i love. Guo-zi shows off his ability to sing in so many genres and this nostalgic feel suits his voice. Rock star Chyi Chin has truly mellowed over the years, but he retains his clean, bluesy and modern approach to music. Cool. Suits my mood, two points of view.