Last year, one of the greatest fantasy fiction authors (and of course, one of my favourite authors) passed away. After her passing, I rather in bad taste but also in a quiet sort of mourning, did a small books highlight of most of her books. Some of my colleagues abhor this sort of promotion but I usually do it in a bid of quiet desperation and resignation. Well, the awful truth is, is that inspite of an author's passing, good books and good writing never go out of fashion - unlike films - where there may be a sudden surge of interest and a quick dying off. An author's ideas and words should only go against the great adversary of Time and its erosion and evolution of popular thought, and not like their mortality bid an end to existence.

I think that many would agree with me that Diana Wynne Jones was such a wonderful author - her books were, are fun, engaging and thought provoking (although not in the most conservative sense), I personally like them for their humour, and interesting way of telling a tale. So her passing really saddened me.

In fact, these passings always make me very sad, doubly as a reader and a bookseller. Books never stay in print after that.

As I write, I've reread Year of the Griffin, the follow up to Darklord of Derkholm. I was book bereft in Singapore and could not find a book I wanted at Kino, (I forget which one) so I settled for one which I have not read by the master, the Derkholm. I loved it!
So when I got home, I naturally needed the sequel. And was subsequently surprised to find it now as a print-on-demand! (note the slight difference in the make of the books)

Oh no! Will her books be all going OP soon? It's unthinkable, unforgivable but really happening.

The race begins if you haven't been buying those books. Be warned or start an AbeBooks account.

The some-what long-short (long because it was 5 days, short because I hardly had a rest!) Lunar New Year hols has ended, and I'm back to slogging at work again. After a stretch like that, I'm glad I've decided again this year to keep a diary/planner.

Consulting the monthly spread, I realise that there are several things which need my immediate action as well as some serious planning. It will be a busy day, week, month, year - ahead.

Sometime ago, as part of the whole kaboodle of buying gifts for the year end festivities (to put it in other words), I pondered upon buying diaries for friends and family. I wondered like I never did which of them still appreciated a good looking 'paper' calendar/diary/planner. I knew for a fact that my sisters were both quite plugged in - Sky probably used Google or whatnot to keep track of her schedule, being highflying and all that, whereas my lil' sis had her Blackberry. The only thing was - I found the perfect little diary planner for her! So cute! A text later, confirmed that she didn't usually use one - but ... since I really could not resist - I bought it for her anyway, a too-cute Stitch diary which I would say was a nice mass paperback size. ;)

And what about me? Last year gave me many things - a child and an iPad. (hahhahhha) But no matter, how wonderful the electronic tablet is - I would still swear by my handy diary.

My choice this year is the above, irresistable Totoro diary. I have been using the Monthly Pocket Moleskines for a couple of years now, having ditched my planners with refills because they became a little cumbersome and heavy. However, this year I decided to take a breather from my usual black book and went diary shopping. I found a beautiful Yoshitomo Nara diary which I was sure would never make it to our shores, so while I was down south (in Singapore), I headed over to the Kinokuniya there to see if they had it. Sadly, they did not hence I came away with the troll instead.

To say I love using a diary is such an understatement. Buying a nice diary makes the year ahead look bright, shiny and gay. Even if days turn super busy and uncontrollable, when written down, it seems a little more acceptable and less stressful. But that could be only me.

Still, I enjoy the whole process of shopping for the right pen for the diary, and other accessories - ooppps, I mean stationery. If other people kept pets, I guess this is mine.

And did I mention that I never need to wonder what I did last month that caused a missing time slot in my time card, or a planned event I said I'd do but slipped my mine? I only need to consult my Totoro. He doesn't need batteries, just nice stickers and colourful pens.

They permeate and worse, they permeate the higher strata of an industry where some people enjoy working in because of the intellectual joy.

Over the past few months, i've met the most gentle and forwardthinking, as well as inspiring book people. I also had to spend an hour listening to a bull bull-ing yesterday.

C'est la vie!

It's funny that i consider time away from blogging to be either a holiday or a mad busy time. Perhaps, it is - diary writing is no longer a must, and rather something i do in leisure. Although i still burn to write ideas down, i find that you do need a certain kind of a frame of mind to sit down, switch on the computer, log on to Blogger and write thoughtfully.

i've had a wonderful time away from blogging and its revelatory properties. Plus, i did celebrate a birthday. ...

My favourite gifts are clothes/accessories (because my friends have lovely taste); books (ah! those who buy books have the greatest taste, of course. And they do need a lot of courage to buy me books because i can be quite critical. but that applies to fashion as well, i guess. Now you know how i feel when i buy books for people - doubtful and hopeful.) and finally - when all else fails - hard cash works the best! Of which, i must say thanks, Mom - cos the cash went into my CD buying collection.

Hmmm, which makes me wonder - why doesn't anyone buy me music anymore? The last time i got one wwassss .... Joni Mitchell's Hits - nice!!! Okok, i think Lizzie did offer to get me Tanya Chua's latest album, but i said i preferred a CD player ;-)

i think i better put up a Must have list ... all separately.

i recently gained a neighbour at work ... who's been lending me cool music! Good and Bad, ya?

The first few albums i lent her were my two all-time favourites - Shinkai [Mr Children] and OK [A-yue]. And she has thrown Bump of Chicken my way, yummm, lovely folky sounds.

Oh, and my birthday present to myself is What A Wonderful World (WAWW) [Mr Children] (which i lost) and Acoustic Fukuyamania (an instrumental album featuring Yoshikawa Chuei, and has artwork by Junko Terada).

So, i've been playing Bump of Chicken's Jupiter, Misuchiru's Shinkai & WAWW, Northern Bright, ...and now the Misuchiru's Best of compilations. i'll probably dig out my L'arc En Ciel, Glay and Luna Sea soon enough. All which should last me until the evening.

Music for inspiration and not in English or languages that i am familiar with - should help me write. That said, i need to finish my household chores before starting the word slogging.

Later la.

Finally to marineko-chan - congrats to finally finishing your paper! (i'm glad you found inspiration in OK)

(note: Coelacanth is the first track of Shinkai, which alludes to this extinct organism as a source of inspiration, a muse)

Nope, after 99 is not 100 it seems!

I have a couple of posts (okay, more than a couple) which i started and could not end. A few which i wrote but never posted because they remain for my eyes only.

Verdict withheld until further notice. ;-)
(do you like the new look?)

As i type, the Korean drama 'Love in the Vineyard' is playing. (DVD) In fact, it has been my habit to either play a CD or any drama when i'm awake at times like this. Adds a little bit of life to the dead of the night.

okok, not trying to be romantic. Being the otaku that i am, something is always playing in the background.

Well, i've been spending X'mas day with the family (a bit) and had an enjoyable hour or so - wrapping gifts. yes, i love doing that. It's fun and i think it makes gift-giving and gift-receiving much more personal. (but i digress) Anyway, i wanted to borrow a drama called Love in the Aegean Sea from my mom, and ended up coming away with it! Madam Mother is giving away stuff because she's inspired by her friend. That's nice, thanks Mom! So here i am with another set of VCDs, which although i appreciate the gesture and i want to watch the drama, is totally against my new 'collection' policy of ... DVDs only from now on.

Why so? i'm bitter over the fact that i have huge boxed sets of The Gift (Sung-mool) and All About Eve and a whole bunch of other stuff in VCD. The colours are starting to fade; the sound is going AND there are no English subs! There is even this tiny idea, pushing its way to the front, convincing me to give some of my favourites away (read: Sung-mool and AAE) and replace them with DVDs. That way, they should keep for a longer stretch - although one never knows. Maybe i should wait.

And why is that, you dare ask? I would have loved to own the OST 'I have a Date with Spring' in CD, i'm telling you. And the humongous 6 CD collection of Lo-Dayou's best songs, one of Harlem Yu's earlier albums (forgot which), most of my Jacky Cheung collection, Eason's first album and some other indie albums. All this i happen to own - in cassettes. What use are three cartons of cassettes to one who does not own a cassette player? Was i to know that cassettes would now be practically obsolete? Talking of obsolete, i've been trying to replace my discman which a friend borrowed but has not returned (for around 3 years!) and discovered that there aren't any being sold in the shops. (okay, maybe if i really hunt for it i will find one but right now i need to do some shopping around if any) Does this mean that CD players are going the way of cassette players? Ha? Oh dear, i would still want to own a CD player even if i rip music into my mp3 because eventhough mp3s may be handy and can carry entire albums, i would still buy CDs that produce clearer, louder and sharper sound. (not forgetting how much i love owning a nicely made album with lyrics and all that)

Sure, you can download them - lyrics, photos and music. You may even pay for them. I'd rather you call me old-fashioned then, because my CD collection is growing. ;-p

On another level, e-books are bound to become the rage since it would be way-too-cool to carry entire libraries with you without breaking your back. i can imagine wanting to own one!

However, i'm not at all worried that i'll have to replace my entire collection of literature as i may have to with the music and moving pictures. Because, this technology that plays the paper book ain't gonna get obsolete so soon. Good old pencil and paper. Good old paperbacks, hardcovers and tradepaperbacks. Good old use your fingers to turn the page.

And if you need batteries - eat, sleep, love.

As i start, it's five minutes to 12, on Christmas Eve (Malaysian time), and 5 months and 24 days since i last posted anything. I have forgotten how long since i've been on facebook.

I have not fallen off the face of the earth, although some months, weeks, days ago - i felt like it in spots. i've let people and things and people and things get to me. perhaps you can also say that i'm not clued in and ready to do so many of the things i have had to take on, and had wanted to try. i lacked patience, experience, skill and an entire list of other things.

i do have temper and anger and unfortunately, intuition. Many a time, i could feel that something was wrong but had no means to fix it.

Nowadays my secret mantra (which i use to speak out loud a lot in the past, now less since it sounds negative to others. albeit when i accidentally let it slip in frustration) is 'why do i care. why is this my business as well?'. Actually the full mantra is 'why do i care? why is this my problem, too? should this be my business? it will only make things more complicated and i have ten thousand things on hand, clamouring for attention from people who mean more to me than this issue. oh, why, oh, why am i so busybody to want to help? to want to bother other people who don't want my help? hey, in fact i may not be equipped to help. so keep saying the mantra to remind yourself to mind your own business.'

There. Feels a wee bit better.

I just looked up the number of posts made since i started this blog - 94, making this effectively 95. I've always envied other people's nice blogs with a look of their own. Love Daphne's a lot.

Basically dots are getting to me. I mean i try never to wear polka dots to avoid looking clown-like, so why the heck did i choose this template? 'Cos the rest were either too staid or too odd. Maybe i should migrate ... if that is the word for it. Plus, all the music doesn't work anymore.

sigh ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shall i stop at hundred? i may be too lazy. but i won't stop completely because i enjoy an occasional write/rant like that. Just to prove i haven't lost me barely essential skills of writing, whatever that means.

Stop for a while. Too sleepy. As i click- 'publish post' - the time is 19 minutes past 12.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, FOLKS!

i don't know about you, but i think nothing truly begins or ends. Or if you want to put it another way, beginnings and endings overlap too much, to the point that you either hardly feel the entrance or the beginning because you are too busy trying to make whatever it is end.

the last time i updated this blog was in November. i checked.

and ever since, i have cried quarts and screamed in silence and whined into every available ear and died in shy embarrassment and fell into a million pieces every time i had to do something i dreaded. and for practically 6 months, i've been writing a mental blog (or block, whichever you think it is) in order to avoid having the show my unhappy little face to the world.

despite the fact that i keep telling myself and the rest of the world - let's move on for a lack of choice.
despite the fact that there are tiny points which i love about what i am doing now, okay a tad bigger than tiny.
despite the fact that i can give up if i truly want to and can no longer stand it - nothing is inevitable.

don't get me wrong. my current 'enlightenment' has nothing to do with sudden turn of events or perhaps a culmination of many. i have not suddenly made a decision that i have 'oh, taken care of everything'.

i actually realise now that someone never did manage to take care of everything. The magic was she made it seem to have been taken care of by her or simply vanishing by means of shielding and other sorcery. These magical means which i don't ever think i can be capable of. So we now come to the conclusion that i can't do magic nor am i gifted to even learn.

there are people who are only human. and today, starting from this sentence, i am happy to be human. Not magical, not super-human and certainly not a deity who will be a spiritual sifu - God forbid!

and my only power is to try and do things my way, plodding and transparent that it is. Yes, yes - being honest is going to be hell however, that is the only way i know of.

why? i don't want to have to wake up, say five years in the future, deep in the middle of the night and cannot fall asleep because i feel haunted by the maneurverings which actually did sit on my conscience inspite of my constant denials that i was right, and the other person was crap. No one is totally all crap even though their way was or the way they treated you were. They were only headed another direction.

i still want to be me again, and not anyone else's substitute, so there. Wish me luck, luck, luck. (ala Diana Wynne Jone's Deep Secret, in order to keep the Thorn Lady at bay)

SONG FOR A MOOD
Mi-goong/The Maze - Joanna Wang. Her voice is simply sublime, people! Sure they call her Nora Jones of Taiwan but i was never so taken by Jones as i am by Wang-ruolin. The original song is called Let's Start From Here. If you like Zai-zai, and watched the drama which he was a chef - this is the theme song. For now, it is mine.

Ahah!

I know, i know. This is really old news. Lately, i've been reading about who-who just died. But this author comes as a surprise (to us who have not heard of her until recently, and didn't bother to find out more).

I wanna go out and buy A Swift Pure Cry now. Not many chances to read more of her works. (even tho London Eye Mystery was published posthumously) Ultimately, her books may fall into oblivion, not having had much time to mature and people to create interest about her. I'm so sorry to say it but that's the truth. Then again, when one has passed on, only those who stay behind care about these things. The departed leaves the ordinary and mortal to the living.

Siobhan Dowd, rest in peace http://www.siobhandowd.co.uk/

On another similar subject, Philippa Pearce have passed on quietly. Her final book is only now out: A Finder's Magic. ... And yes, makes me wanna go buy and read Tom's Midnight Garden.

I think it sounds rather too lighthearted, this post. But i don't mean it to be. It's only the realisation that when an author dies, their family mourns. So do the readers who have loved their books. So do the booksellers. We mourn the departed, the books that never get written and perhaps the readers who will never have a chance to read this author's works.

I've been finding it a burden to switch on the computer at home. I gues it could be due merely to the fact that the line is rather erratic so i have problems loading anything at all, unless after midnight. But i've not been getting much sleep lately, hence i konk out around then.

So, I've decided to write whenever i can and schedule to publish one by one. Sound like cheating ...

But i write the blog in my mind the whole week anyway.

Bought an album a couple weeks back, called Recollection, a selection of 90s gayo hits, rearranged and performed by the duo of Fly to The Sky (FTTS).

Wow! i think i'm in love with The Voice (despite him being so insecure over his looks)... okokok, it is The Voices, cos Brian Joo's not bad either. Does this mean i'm no longer totally in love with Mr M's music? Or for all that, Bobby Chen?

I guess not. I find that i'm always nicely ready to accept and see clearly the flaws of those 'idols'. Half an hour ago, i caught this Taiwanese concert on TV, and there was this guy singing a cutesy song in a small voice. I was so duhhhhh put-off. Then i had a double take - OH MY GOD, it's Joe Cheng! Honestly, i think he's one of the best young actors to come out of Taiwan, of late. But from the very beginning, his voice has been his great flaw, whenever he does angry scenes, its really trying on this faculty. So in a way, Mike He wins, but now Ethan Ruan wins hands down, he has a little of Joe's sense of humour and a wonderful voice (a bit like Ming-dao).

Okay. Before i get a 'where-are-you-heading-with-this' ...

An idol is someone you admire for their skills, personality, life, looks or whatever pushes your buttons. And if it's an actor or someone who is miles away, it is easier to distance yourself. But what if you find that you're most likely to idolise someone who lives next door or you just shook hands with.

i dunno but i think that's okay, too. As long as you know that putting someone on a pedestal is acceptable but as much as you admire that person for their talents, you should not be blind to their flaws. Say if someone said your favourite singer-songwriter was gay ... that's okay, value him for his talents. Even if your bestfriend is money-grubbing, promise-breaker or selfish witch, i think i'm okay because i'm fully aware of this. i have a choice to break off the relationship but if i choose to be friends with someone like that, when they hurt me, i won't make excuses for them except well, that's them and move on.

Someone i know who is a self-serving yet thinks he is selflessly helping other people, has been playing and pushing puppets around again lately. Because he thinks he is only doing such things to help his good kind friends, based on a deluded opinion that 'as long as my friends are happy, i am', he always gives excuses that his intention were all for good, so he will never take full responsibilty when it fails and people get hurt. Well, first of all, this is meant for all you good intentioned but black hearted irresponsible people - don't play with other peoples' lives, especially if they are people dearest to you. They don't deserve this kind of callouslessness. Plus, i'll bet you never told me is because you know it's wrong but you don't care ... it's a risk you must take. Fool! Come off that pedestal quietly, before someone breaks that statue.

As for my take on idolising,: it's okay, just don't be blind to the flaws that make them human.

I choose this song which literally means Person who gives Happiness, i know it is so ironic to use it since i've been harping over someone else being so stupid into thinking they can do so. Actually, i don't think it is wrong, just think that you should also know when you must tell the truth and not let people you care for live in a cloud of fake happiness. Being truthful may be painful, but in the long run, it is better for all parties. And true friends care enough to be truthful despite everything. BTW, i'm over being mad, just need to get it off my chest.

SONG FOR A MOOD
행복을 주는 사람/haengbogeul juneun saram - Fly To The Sky. From the album, Recollection, this is the first track which really gives you a headache because of the arrangement. But surprisingly, i didn't hate it. Gave this album to Ma-chan and i hope she grows to love it like i do. Feeling a bit deprived while i'm waiting for my copy to arrive, thank goodness for ripping and mp3s, it's one of those albums i can't live without!

noticed that i started quite a number of posts - just putting in a main idea but never followed through to write a full length post. This blog takes up some of my brain time, yet i find it helps me find my way. More, coming up!

i have stories to tell. Please wait outside.

i was angry awhile ago
i was sad and frustrated with where i am now
i was dejected and demoralised,
afraid to be the instigator of unwelcome change
saturday is a day of clashes,
i may not have the guts
i don't want all this
i didn't ask for it
yes, this is a self-pitying lament
no big deal
can i leave the building now?

that was then, i'm now at a loss for words and
emotions
(whine)

SONG FOR A MOOD
Door/Men - Rene Liu. Where things begin, where things come to an end. From one of my all-time favourite albums, the Door is a song about departures. Or rather, the departure of a man from a child's life, a wife's life. I always feel sad but also a tiny part of my heart feels hard and numb, cold even. That is me sometimes.

If you like to read books, you've probably been called a bookworm.
But have you ever considered this - you may well be a supporter of the arts!
Well, lately there has been such a large proliferation of self-published books. First of all, i have nothing against writers who self publish. There are so many talented people out there who deserve the attention of the reading world, who has important and interesting ideas to share or have so much imagination and skill you know they deserve a try at getting published.
Then there' s the sad, sad condition of the big publishing houses that may or may not have sunk into semi-vanity publishing. If a publisher doesn't have a regular publishing schedule, nor do they actually have a plan, concept for their imprints, can you still call them a publishing house? No editors (real good ones who know how to direct and edit), no copy editors, no proper trained desktop or layout design people ... are you even a printer??!!
If you are such a publisher, then its also obvious that you do not have the know-how nor the right to tell anyone they aren't good enough to write a book. Therefore, little wonder that all those writers out there think that they are good, as good as the books being published by the big boys. They are all thinking - who are you to say i'm bad? And you know, i believe so sometimes.
And so when people self-publish, they also end up distributing their own books to bookstores - directly destroying two automatic filters, the editor/publisher and distributor/sales person. And so the person who decides what makes it to the shelves of a store is most likely the buyer, arrrghhh ...
You think that's fun? You think that's empowering or whatnot?
Let me tell you that book buyers are used to meeting professional people who sell books and know what is a well-made book. When you meet those larger than life senior citizens or the enthusiastic but naive young writer - should you say, not good enough? Everyone deserves a chance (provided they also consider that content is the most crucial decisionmaker), i do believe that even if the author is not yet a master but a promising apprentice, they should be given a tiny space on the shelf. For only by writing more and improving more, can the writer one day win a Nobel.
Still, it's quite bad for the publishing industry if this continues. Controls will be off and readers will be exposed to badly edited books, thinking that this is the way it should be written. Buyers end up having to truly scrutinize the writing of a book, without the aid of an editor who would have help prune and fine tune the contents and advise of suitability etc. Apart from selecting the book based on other merits, the buyer will also need to worry about the reliability of the research and the evil thing called plagiarism. Of course, we still do right now. But its just becomes more prominent.
On the bright side though, if books are the literary arts, then the book buyer and the book worm will slowly transform into an Art patron. (The art patron is the powerful and rich people who appreciate and support artists. Their support come in many forms and they are usually art collectors as well). With this statement - replace artists with writers and art collectors with book hoarders) There, i think that may just be me. Et tu, Brute?

SONG FOR A MOOD
In Nostalgia/Huenying Jiu Mung - Guo-Zi/Chyi Chin Ok. Why is the link not on the title? There are two versions of this song, both which i love. Guo-zi shows off his ability to sing in so many genres and this nostalgic feel suits his voice. Rock star Chyi Chin has truly mellowed over the years, but he retains his clean, bluesy and modern approach to music. Cool. Suits my mood, two points of view.

No, it's not Autumn. The rains have arrived again, and the weather is somewhat similar to fall.

The past few weeks have seen certain changes to the environment at work, and all i can say is - more work but not necessarily mean exponentially more dough. Someone asked me, or rather tried to force my brain to think like they would. Well, honestly, i wouldn't say i'm resistant to change or whatnot but really, there are some things that need time, patience and a lot of luck. If it isn't yours, no matter how much effort you put in, it'll float away like those red falling leaves of autumn that naturally falls from the tree every year, as a greeting for the impending winter.

On the side, i've been hearing about some goings-on that disturb me so. And even if i do believe that serendipity may mean a little effort or push before the windfall, i don't believe in bull-dozing and so to my friend who is in a dilemma, i remember how that felt - i do understand how you feel. So like i said, when you think the pressure is too much, don't do it then. With these words, i look too at my reflection and say it again like a mantra.

The truth of the matter is everyone wants to win. No one wants to fail. But one can only beat a path to the door, with their own instruments and in their own way. I'd rather be my own cat and swish my tail and walk my own crooked way - be it successfully or not, i'm not you.

SONG FOR A MOOD
Leaves / Ye Zi - Chen Xiao-juen. This is the demo version since i couldn't buy the OST of the Rose. It's a poem, really. The tune too is poetic. Makes me feel all sentimental and sad whenever i listen to it, yet i love and enjoy the feeling. Imagine leaves floating down from a tree, you and i are leaves, too.

It's been nearly a month since i've updated this blog. In between, i've been to Penang (1); watched Gary in concert (2); wrote loads of reviews (3); did a 'not-too-bad-compilation' of book capsules (4); read many books (5); watched some TV dramas (6); gotten into hot soup and out (7) ... and made a few decisions about my life (8) and lifestyle (9).

(1) went with Eri-chan. had fun.
(2) wow! Mr Cao-Ge is too cool. He won Best Male Vocal in 19th Golden Melody Awards, which is decided by industry peers
(3) yes, i'll be rolling in money soon ;-p
(4) errr, i like some of the stuff i wrote for August issue
(5) The Color of Magic - Terry Pratchett, Twilight - Stephenie Meyer (halfway), A Hatfull of Sky - Terry Pratchett, Good Omens - Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Penelope - Marilyn Kaye ... and i forgot what else
(6) worse, i think it was SP (with Junichi Okada), half way through Romantic Princess (Angela Zhang & Wu Zun), Galileo (the very cool Masaharu Fukuyama & Kou Shibasaki), Yukan Club (also halfway), It Started with A Kiss (ISWAK, the first part), Hana Zakari no Kimitachi e (Taiwanese version, also halfway and charmed by Ella's delightful performance), Forensic Heroes II (TVB one, with Kevin Cheng ...) AND i'm so taken by the movie Penelope (with the quirky Christina Ricci and James McAvoy and i forgot what else, too
(7) We will not talk about this :-(
(8) Don't go there either ... but there is one thing - i would like to fall deeply in love with paper again
(9) Went jogging

As you can see, i really have been busy. Most of all, i wanna remember that feeling in Gangnam without having to fly 6 long, uncomfortable hours on the fabled national carrier of ours.

Even tho i'm one hand trying to stay cool, calm and happy.

i guess on another hand, this day this minute this second i feel dark.